New Flu Protocols to decrease ER/EMS crisis

*For immediate release

From the CDC-Run-DMC

  1. Due to the worldwide influenza crisis brought on by a large percentage of the populace’s inability to stay calm, stay home, sick it out the best you can and get better without a team of highly trained medical personnel to hold their hand, the Department of The EMS has implemented the following mandate:

1. Effective immediately, all sick persons are hereby instructed to “shelter in place” and await visits from specialized Paramedic teams deployed worldwide to bring emesis basins, chicken soup, Tylenol and ibuprofen, aspirin, honey, whiskey, lemon and ginger to each and every sick person’s bedside, along with a damp forehead cloth for comfort.

2. Sick persons are mandated to stay in bed, sick it out, watch TV and await Paramedic teams to appear.

3. In the event that sick person feels better before Paramedic intervention patient needs to do nothing further, and is instructed to get on with their lives.

4. No followup in necessary, the Paramedic team assigned to each individual case will be notified by The EMS to abort the mission and move on.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation, worldwide compliance to this mandate is essential.

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